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| I am having trouble trying to sleep. I am not sure what it is really all about. I don't seem to have that much on my mind but my mind can seem to get it's rest. My eye lids are heavy and I fall asleep on the train, but when it comes to my bed it just doesn't happen. I wish I could choose a dream topic before I fall asleep... like a book from the library. You still don't know what is going to happen, yet you know the topic the story is about. I think I might like that a lot. When I think of dreaming, unicorns always seem to come to mind... not really sure why. I wish I was more tired than I am, I wish my dreams were clear and I wish my mornings were deliberate. | | |
| I continually doubt if I am doing the right thing out here just because nothing has really "happened" for me yet. Today I read my horoscope and the last line state "rather than giving up on your goals, why not simply give your self more time to reach them." Although this saying is wonderfully inspiring the part that stuck me odd was the word "simply". I am not sure why that is so hard for me. I guess when I decided that I was ready to go and do I thought there would be something to go and do right away... that just does not seem like the case right now. I just hope I can be patient here before I frustrate myself out of here. | | |
| I feel like if I stopped talking to you that I might not even miss you that much.Are you really something special to me or are you just there until I find that person. The truth is I have to remind myself to call you and sometimes it feels like a chore. But then again so does family at times. Dont you see that I am not sure what I will ever want, let alone know if will include you. That makes me feel souless. I wish I could live in honesty, but it never seems to come out that way. I hope while I am trying to find myself out here that I am not really dying a little more each day. I hate sleeping alone. | | |
| Tonight I have felt so empty that I could actually feel a whole inside of myself. Not to sound ridiculously emo or whatever, but that is how I feel and that is the best that I can describe it. in NYC you get lost in the mass shuffle, I understand that. I am just having a really hard time in being motivated and really questioning why I am doing what I am doing. Acting that is.... is it because I said I was going to and I have to prove to those I told that I actually am/can do it? Or is it because this is what I know and love and that the power of of it all can transform a life. When I was in high school I got to assist. direct the spring play, and I got to cast 2 roles. There was a kid in my history class that had never done theater before that I thought would rock at this role. He was captain of the all state soccer team and a total chic magnet. When the year books were out and they asked this kid what his most memorable moment was in HS, he did not say winning state soccer or getting homecoming king, he said being in the the spring play. that was cool to read. I like to have purposeful days and meaningful moments, and I am having trouble doing tat here. grrrrrrrrr. | | |
| So NYC is cool. I am still struggling with getting to know folks, but then again it has not been that long. I started an acting class tonight, which was cool but totally shot my confidence in the foot. The guy who was teaching did not seem to really care for me and for some reason that gets me. And besides that... I sucked... I am better than what I did tonight, and that is a sucky feeling. It kinda makes my tummy hurt. that is all I got. | | |
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